~That Night~

It was a nice warm summer day, as I look back it was also an odd day.
It was my husband's birthday and for some reason I wished him a
Happy birthday which is odd because I haven't done that in several years.
When I came home from church that morning my nephew Scott was there.
As I drove into the drive I noticed that Scott was under my other car helping my
son do some work on it, also odd. When there was work to be done Scott
always had some where he needed to be, they had been up all night fishing so I knew they were tired. Scott came inside and sat with his head down.
I knew something was bothering him and I kept feeling like I should ask but
I let it go thinking maybe he is just tired. He and my son left the house
then to go back fishing. That was the last time I saw Scott alive.

I had just came home from the night service at church, my family was just finishing
their meal when the call came in at 9:05 pm . I answered the phone and my niece’s
husband told me Scott's dad killed himself. I could hear Mom in the background crying uncontrollably. We got in the car to go over there. When we got to the top
of their drive my little niece was standing there screaming.
I looked over at my husband and asked
what on earth is wrong with her, she did not even know Scott's dad.
When I got to her she told me it was Scott not his dad that had killed himself.
I took off running down the drive. When I got to where Scott laid a scream
such as I have never heard came from somewhere inside me.
It felt and sounded like it came from some wounded animal.
The first thing I saw was that Scott had my sons shirt on and the shirt
that my nephew had on was also my sons which was put on Scotts head to
help stop the bleeding. It was a sight that will be forever etched in my mind.

For the next few days we tried with all our hearts to believe that maybe
someone shot him, maybe he accidentally fell and the gun went off,
maybe he only meant to hurt himself but NOT kill himself.

When we received the death certificate we were forced to face the facts.
Scott had snuck the gun out of the house and went behind his grandparents
house and he put the shot gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger,
all doubts were removed.

We that are left behind now will forever ask "WHY", but we will never get those answers. Suicide kills that person 1 time, but for the survivors in kills us 1000 times.

Scott was loved and He will be forever missed.
We that are left behind will live with guilt "If Only".

My heart goes out to those who have loved and lost a family member or friend
in this way or from any other type of death. You are not alone in your sorrow.
There will always be a void in our lives. But it will hold our precious memories
that they left in our life. It's ok to grieve. They were and always will be a part of our lives.
Scott was only 20 yrs old when he died, two months before he reached
the legal age of adulthood. Scott left behind a Mom and Dad, one brother,
three half brothers and one niece.
Not a day goes by that he is not thought about and missed by all who knew him.

1976 ~ 1997